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[23 Feb 2008|12:14pm] |
So the Lord has been asking me to look up more lately.
Its hard to explain but he is and I know it. He wants me to look up metaphorically and literally.
There's just a sense of purity and beauty of our sky, its so therapeutic.
I believe I was down here in Portland to get exactly what I needed and spend the perfect amount of time to just step back in my own clean atmosphere and cleanse the soul.
I'm no longer scared and alone. I know that everything I've gone through the good and the bad is because its what I was meant to accomplish.
I am very thankful for the changes in myself surroundings and others.
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[25 Dec 2007|08:08pm] |
Family always makes it better.
I love that there are so many little tots around who are two and under. They sing and talk with eachother and roll around and dance. I love it.
AND little Natalie is half the size of Baby Carter. It was so crazy!
Being jobless and having bills around the corner is really nerve wrecking but I know it will be okay. Its only money.
Sorry for no visits this time around. I really didn't have the funds to see anyone.
LERIN. I miss you too much! You were the ONE person I NEEDED to see.
I will call you.
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[01 Dec 2007|03:11pm] |
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Where do we stand in life?
How can one person be so stuck in another persons life. Regardless of how far you seperate yourself physically, mentally they are still there.
Just get out of my head please!!!
I want spiritual enlightening. I feel something strong coming on. I'm awake to my surroundings much more now then I ever did before. Its wonderful.
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[22 Oct 2007|02:19pm] |
If I could only find a formula that can help us understand the constant shifting and complete chaos in the air.
I blame it on the color changing leaves
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[06 Sep 2007|02:35pm] |
I feel like I've let you down Kylie. Please understand that none of this was planned.
Cali is pushed off due to the fact that I have too much on my plate.
I'm so upset, confused, excited, stressed, sad....distraught.
I don't need/want sympothy.
Family has been asking me to see a counselor. To get checked out for anxiety attacks. To think about anti depressants.
I don't want anti depressants. I don't need them. Just because I'm having feelings and emotions doesn't mean I need a drug to suppress them.
I'm going to go see a naturopathic physician. Change my diet, my daily routine. See what I can do in my lifestyle to get out of this funk.
I want to find out a strong daily meditation for myself as well.
Oh and who gets excited for their daughter to come home and sticks them in a trailor.
So my journies are now taking me to Oregon.
Talking to Shawn's mom, Kelley, has really helped. She said something along the lines of don't worry about college until you are ready. Go live. Go explore before you settle down and don't have the opportunity again. She said that she went to college right out of highschool because that's what her parents wanted to see and she never got the chance to explore like she wanted. She's more of a motherly support to me right now then my own mother.
I'm hoping to move to Europe before I'm 24. Just for a year or so. Nothing too crazy. Just living.
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| THIS WAS WRITTEN 3 DAYS AGO |
[27 Jul 2007|11:04am] |
i don't think I've ever had this much going on at once in my entire 19 years of existence.
Where do I start?
lets try with relocating my life for 2 months.
-its not easy or cheap to just pick up and move for three months when you are the one paying for everything. Sure I'm saving money but still not enough. Now I have to go and leave all over again. Its rough
Now we'll go onto a topic most of you already know about. Shawn Starkovich.
-everything I see and do reminds me of something that we did together. My stereo in my car used to be his. The things he sent back from Singapore and Kuwait are all around the house. Anytime I run into someone who I haven't seen but has heard the news I have to go through everything all over again.
-I went to California on Saturday. Packed up all his stuff and crazy intense memories and feelings when I got to my apartment about him. Nobody down there really knew what was going on so I had to go through the informing people part all over again.
-I'm flying to Virginia tomorrow and coming back Thursday night for the funeral in the National Arlington Cemetary. 12 hours between the two flights there and back.
-Now Jaimie (his sister) and i have to plan his service for here in Washington. Its just WAY TOO MUCH right now on my plate.
I'm having troubles with my bank account.
-someone stole my debit card number and stole 300 dollars out of my account so my account was overdrawn because of all my debit card purchases and the overdraft charges and couldn't be accessed for over a week so all of my automatic bills that are paid online didn't go through so now i have to call and fight all of them to take the late charges off. So I have no money. AND I've been taking all this time off for Shawn's stuff that I won't be having much money coming in for quite some time.
Dhyana's wedding is soon.
-I'm the maid of honor which means I have to throw and bachelorette party this saturday. Still have to pay for my hair and shoes. Have to do rehearsal dinner and the actually wedding WHICH might I add is going to be the day after Shawn's memorial here in WA.
I don't know what I'm going to do with my panic
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[23 Jun 2007|03:25pm] |
Oh to be home.
I got a "new" phone so I can hear people and listen to my voice mails now.
Seattle the first night I'm home along with a laser show...too good.
The friends here are real. I can't wait to kidnap you kylie and bring you down south!
Crushes suck. I know about it now at least. Its good. And then it has trouble.
Going to fill out invitations at Dhyana's place tonight. It'll be fun the three of us.
Derek's Bday today. I wonderful if he knows? hehe
I kind of wish I went to seattle to see Jimmy compete. Sounds like fun now that its too late.
My mom is flying in a plane over my house right now. Wow she's cool.
Start work next week. It'll be nice to work at Starbucks on 88th and be back at the Cruise Line again.
I'm happy with the decision I made with coming up here for the summer.
Not sure whats in the future for Julian and I though. Kind of weird.
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[16 Jun 2007|12:23am] |
So it begins...
The summer of O7
I don't have much to say really.
Lots been going on...but too much to put in words*
*
Shes pregnant and getting married...how odd is that?
I'm leaving and possibly throwing my future away with the one person I actually know?
Will I be able to get the same job when I get back...and do I even want it?
Can I commit to anything?
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[05 May 2007|01:59pm] |
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This is kind of bullshit...I post probably one of the most intense entries yet in my life and nothing...
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[04 May 2007|12:56pm] |
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We kinda sorta broke up/we are on a break.
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[17 Apr 2007|12:48am] |
Its the colors that make me love that I can see.
When you are in love with the world, people seem to resent you and make fun of you...maybe they are just afraid to show that they might have feelings. I don't know....but....
Its great to be you.
Ands its great to be me!
Its great to relax, to believe in what I wish.
To be me!
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| You say you want a revolution well...you know... |
[05 Apr 2007|06:20pm] |
Why do I want to change the world so bad?
And why can't I get up to do so?
Just being a simple example just isn't doing what I wanted it to.
Now I have to take action
There is so much going on right now...no one can even tell.
Maybe...sometimes...you need to lose your skin in order to look in the mirror and really see whats inside.
Maby I'm like the fight club book...in order to get at my best high, I must reach my ultimate low.
Why can't I fight my lows?
I guess you have to be at the end looking back to say...that there was my ultimate low...and that over there was my best high. Until then...the votes are still being casted
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[12 Mar 2007|02:05am] |
18 close to 19 and my dad is moving in with ME.
Kinda strange.
Cleaned the apartment really well today. It felt good.
Its nice to have some what of a routine.
Got new freckles today from sun bathing.
Life is good.
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[01 Mar 2007|02:26am] |
Don't ask others to change for you.
Thats just mean.
People will always be who they are. They will always stay true to their character.
Whether its a good trait or bad, its still theirs. Not yours.
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[27 Feb 2007|06:47pm] |
I had one of "those" days. It was FABULOUS!
Met up with Grant for lunch to have Pho. YUM!
Went to the mall and grabbed some new comfy pants.
Decided to go see Because I Said So by myself. LOVED IT! (it was only me and this other lady who was by herself in the theater. Its like we shared that time together but didn't say a word to eachother. It was cool.)
Bought a new flower. Its beautiful. It represents everything in a flower I love.
Today was my day. And I had the best time.
SHAWN! My phone is broken so I apologize for being able to call you lately. Don't think that I'm ditching you or anything. :)
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[22 Feb 2007|03:39am] |
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Chentelle's going to Europe summer of 2008 YAAAY!
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[18 Feb 2007|01:29pm] |
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what do you do when a relationship isn't looking very good in the future anymore?
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[06 Feb 2007|11:55am] |
Ok So imagine this was posted about a week ago:
Threw a shindig for Kristen on Saturday.
Ended up having 30 people over in the apartment.
SOOO Much fun. I got to wear my new outfit with my new boots, got to play hostess, got to play beer pong, got to lose at beer pong, got to mingle with everyone at one time. It was great, although a few people didn't show up who I would have liked to have seen....but still a lot did. So its cool.
I LOVE working for Starbucks. The people I work with are a riot. I wouldn't change stores for anything. Unless the group of people that are there, were leaving. The only person I didn't like got fired today....yay for fun work!
Grant and Robert from Wamu are going to put in a good word for me. $10 an hour. YAY!
Ummm lets seee what else...
oh start yoga on Thursday....and am checking out new gyms this week. Free trials baby, so far, because I work at SB, I get the initial fee for 24 hr fitness waived. SCORE.
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[11 Sep 2006|12:40am] |
I don't know if any of you have ever had an epiphany, but once you have one, you know that the way you think for the rest of your life has completely changed.
Although mine was not religous...felt almost the same from the descriptions I've had from a couple of you.
It was about 3am Friday morning. I just realized that things just don't matter. The way I look...does not matter...
Materials are all removable.
I think the person you really are is when you are completely naked, no things, no civilization out in the middle of no where, no one watching to judge your actions...and what you feel in the midst of all the freedom is what defines you as who you are.
Cause really, because I like to dress nice and clean make me a better person...no.
Because I look cute today or whenever will that ever effect others in the world positively. No.
Because I bought a nice car that makes me up one for step in society. Absolutely no.
I'm going to the beach this week to do some cleaning. Physical and spiritual.
Seriously consider your local farmers market instead of the super market. All these large corporations are buying out the local farmers and putting them out of business. In a couple of decades if things continue how they are...our food will be controlled by a monopoly and these people will have POWER over our food. They can put whatever they want in it and do whatever they want with it like more preservatives because thats all there is and we have no control over it. We can stop it now by buying locally and doing our own part. These large corporations are mass producing so much wheat that is not needed that tons and tons of these oats and wheats sit in warehouses and rot. There are people STARVING to death around the world and here we have food rotting in warehouses. Disgusting.
Seriously, have we really lost that much touch of reality? Bigger businesses may put on better presentation...but presentation is only so thick, and once you get past the presentation, you realize theres a whole lot more SHIT going on than you could ever think of....
Last night we were at a friends house and it was 2 mexican guys, 3 white boys, myself and a black kid...we were ALL jamming, singing, playing music TOGETHER and bonding in ways I've never experienced before...and the police came and told us to quiet it down. I was just thinking F YOU coppy because we are singing and playing music for the love and appreciation...you are a cop because you wanted to follow the beaten pathway that the man told was "right"
DAMN THE MAN!
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